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Emotional Life Path of a Highly Sensitive Person
by Debbie Twedt
A deep assessment of my life hit me when I turned 30. The world seemed to come crashing down on me. Something clicked in my head, and the whoopla about becoming an adult made me take an intense look around me. As I looked into my life, I found myself in a wrecked marriage, a career crisis and a self-esteem pitfall. My ability to bottle all my feelings (because they were just too intense for anyone to understand) created a huge mess. You would think that coming to this realization would have made me snap to and climb out of the pit I had dug.
However, I did quite the opposite. I just gave up and tried desperately to run away. I left my husband, I stopped believing in my career, and I went full speed into an addiction of self-destruction. I looked for anything and anybody that could distort my reality and give me an escape. I became an expert on hurting people and fooling myself. I felt I had to, it was my only hope for coping with my intensity. My emptiness due to my inability to communicate my feelings separated me from the real world. As things in my life worsened and eventually fell apart, I just added more shit to the pile. It was like a demon built from frustration and disappointment took over and did everything it could to add fuel to the fire. It's mantra: "The heck with this! I've worked so hard to make things good, if they are going to be bad let's see just how bad they can be."
Two years later, after much self -fighting, I was able to extinguish the demon and snap back into reality or rational thought at least. At that point I was left with an intense quandary: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
When I finally found myself at this point, I seemed to wake up from my pain. However, I found myself even worse off than before. I was in an abusive relationship, had no career, a huge debt, a concerned family, many disgruntled friends and absolutely no feelings. I was amazed! I actually accomplished it. I was sincerely numb...no more feelings...not a one.
It was then, I realized I had to start over. I thought to myself: This time I am going to do it right. I am going to accept my sensitivity and embrace it. I am going to talk about my feelings. I am going to create happy moments, and mostly I am going to trust in God and know that I am never alone.
At times when I find myself wondering why it is so difficult to live in such a beautiful world, why my emotions (rational or irrational) control my life, why I am not getting what I want, I deal head on with my demons. I try to remind myself that I am a deep thinker and perhaps taking things too personally. I practice positive thinking techniques, I follow the golden rule, I try not to pass judgment, I forgive and I pray.
Now, I find myself surrounded by love and appreciation. My life has vigorously changed for the better. I have learned that, as a highly sensitive person, I must always have a safe outlet for my emotions. Be it writing, talking or thinking, a tool to express my feelings is essential to a healthy and happy life.
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